Sexual Purity: how to actually help each other

I Corinthians 6 focuses on sexual purity in the church, and so following on Paul's teaching, here at Sandhurst we aim to help people bring hidden sins to light to find healing. If God were to bring deliverance from sexual sin through our fellowship, how would that happen? Whether in Core Groups or through friendships and mentoring or wherever these conversations can happen, here is a model to follow. While a fuller explanation and notes follow on the next page, here is a summary of the path: 

Model (steps of change)

1. Awareness: Explain WHY sexual sin is so destructive, and WHY health is so vital

2. Contemplation: Members consider change, wrestle, weigh pros & cons of confession

3. Commitment: Members take first real steps - confess, ask for help, plan a new direction

4. Action: Members take further steps of life change to block triggers and remain accountable

5. Maintenance: Renewing commitment as new challenges arise

6. Recovery: Quickly and honestly course-correcting after setbacks

Example (or how this could actually happen in real life in your groups):

• Awareness: Review the Scripture and God’s good plan for us

• Contemplation: Remind over time the death of sin and the healing power of repentance

• Commitment: 

  • Tighten the circle (break groups down further into 2-4 people)

• Ask directly: While we all fight against lust daily, do any of us have a habit of falling to that temptation, either mentally, emotionally, visually, or physically?

• Encourage commitment (scenario fictional - for illustration): “I’ll go first - several years ago, I was allowing myself to watch porn videos a few times a week after my wife went to bed. I didn’t want to and felt bad after, but it was a habit I couldn’t seem to shake. I confessed to a few brothers and have been fighting it daily since. I no longer have the habit, but it’s a daily battle, esp on social media. I need to be accountable to only use the Covenant Eyes browser on all devices and to not look at social media past 8PM.”

• Respond initially with TALK:

  • Thank - the person for sharing

  • Acknowledge - it is courageous, and healthy

  • Listen - without judgment or correction

  • Kneel - pray for the person in response

• Respond after that by making a plan.

• Action: Keep smaller circles for accountability to action

• Maintain regular accountability to action, honesty

• Recovery: Have a plan for mutual support for when temptation strikes or failure occurs

FULL NOTES

Principles

• We understand that sexual temptation is a normal experience for everyone

• Repetitive sexual sin forms a habit cycle that is self-reinforcing mentally and physically

• Confession to a trusted one or few is a vital first step of action

• Confession must be followed by practical steps to remove triggers and reset habits

• For deeply ingrained or complex patterns, professional help may be needed

Steps of Change

1. Awareness (Recognizing the Problem)

   1. The person begins to acknowledge that the behavior is harmful.

   2. There may still be denial, minimization, or rationalization.

   3. Key Movement: Admitting the struggle exists.

      1. “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” 1 John 1:8

2. Contemplation (Considering Change)

   1. The person begins seriously thinking about change.

   2. They recognize the costs of the behavior but may still feel ambivalent.

   3. Key Movement: Weighing the pros and cons of change.

      1. “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves.” 2 Corinthians 13:5

3. Commitment (Deciding to Change)

   1. The person decides that change is necessary.

   2. They begin telling others, seeking help, and planning next steps.

   3. Key Movement: Making a clear decision to pursue freedom.

      1. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” James 5:16

4. Action (Implementing New Habits)

   1. Concrete changes are made: accountability, boundaries, removing triggers.

   2. New coping strategies replace old behaviors.

   3. Key Movement: Actively interrupting the cycle.

   4. “Make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” Romans 13:14

   5. “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.” Matthew 5:29

5. Maintenance (Sustaining Change)

   1. New habits and disciplines become more established.

   2. Ongoing accountability and vigilance remain important.

   3. Key Movement: Protecting progress and continuing growth.

      1. “Let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” 1 Corinthians 10:12

      2. “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23

6. Recovery from Setbacks (When Relapse Happens)

   1. Setbacks may occur but do not mean failure.

   2. The focus is on learning from the lapse and recommitting to change.

   3. Key Movement: Returning quickly to honesty, repentance, and support.

      1. “For the righteous falls seven times and rises again.” Proverbs 24:16

      2. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Helping one another grow in Christ

It is our job to come alongside brothers and sisters in Christ and help them shoulder their burdens. “Carry each others’ burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). It is not our job to convince others to change or to produce said change in others. Being a person that someone can openly talk with can make a big difference in helping people move along the path to change. Change rarely happens all at once; it usually occurs through a recognizable process. Research on behavioral change often describes a progression in which a person first becomes aware of a problem and then moves through several steps toward accomplishing change. Progress is rarely perfectly linear and setbacks can occur, but growth happens as a person repeatedly turns away from the old behavior and toward healthier patterns. “For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again,  but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes” (Proverbs 24:16). Also, just because a behavior is clearly wrong does not mean people are ready to change, even if they “should” be; remember, our goal is to meet people where they are and, hopefully, help them toward the next step. Understanding this process can help people be both honest about where they are and intentional about taking the next step forward. The following list explains each step toward change.

Leading discussions on sexual purity with clarity and directness 

When talking with others about sexual immorality, it is important to be direct and ask clear, specific questions. These conversations will almost always feel awkward or uncomfortable, and that is normal.  In fact, it usually means you are addressing something real rather than staying on the surface. Sexual sin thrives in vagueness and secrecy, so clarity matters. Scripture repeatedly calls believers to walk in the light rather than hide in darkness. “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness,but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light” and “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God” (Ephesians 5:11–13; John 3:20–21). In fact, if the conversation feels too easy, too general, or overly comfortable, then it may be a sign that important issues are being avoided. Leaders should not be afraid to use plain language such as “sexually explicit material,” “pornography,” “masturbation,” or “infidelity.” Clear language helps everyone understand what is actually being discussed and prevents people from hiding behind ambiguity. At the same time, these questions should be asked with humility and care, remembering that the goal is not embarrassment but honesty and healing. “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).

These questions are meant to guide conversation, not force confession. Leaders create an environment where honesty is welcomed but not coerced. Some people may be ready to speak openly about their struggles, while others may need time to process before sharing. Allow space for silence, reflection, and gradual openness. Avoid pressuring anyone to disclose more than they are ready to share in a group setting. Instead, focus on creating a culture of trust where people know they can speak honestly when they are prepared to do so. Avoid vague euphemisms like “the struggle” or “something we all deal with,” which can allow people to remain unclear about what is really happening. Naming the behavior directly helps bring it into the light, which is often the first step toward repentance, accountability, and real change. “But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light” (Ephesians 5:13).

Sexual Temptation is a Normal Experience for Everyone

Scripture reminds us that temptation itself is not unique to any one person: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man” (1 Corinthians 10:13). Pornography use is the most common form of sexual immorality among Christians. Pornography includes any media intentionally used to produce sexual arousal. This can include video, images, audio, text-based material, erotic literature, and increasingly AI-generated content. Pornography use is more common among men, but the number of females using pornography is growing, especially when you consider the use of erotic literature. For some it is occasional, while for others it is chronic. While we can take comfort in knowing that we are not alone in the struggle, it is harmful no matter how or when it is used. Jesus also addresses the heart-level nature of sexual sin: “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

• What is the sexual behavior that is problematic for you?

• How often does it happen?

• What does it look like when you engage in the behavior?

• Who knows about it?

• What have you done, if anything, to try and change this behavior?

Repetitive Sexual Behavior and The Habit Cycle

Repetitive sexual behavior, especially pornography use, often follows a pattern wherein behaviors become more and more reinforcing because they activate the brain’s reward system. Sexually explicit material produces a strong dopamine response, and over time the brain can begin to associate pornography with relief from stress, boredom, loneliness, or anxiety. This can lead to sexually immoral behavior in the absence of sexual desire. In other words, people often engage in sexually explicit material to help manage boredom or anxiety. This may lead to pornography use with little to no sexual arousal. Understanding this pattern helps us see that the struggle is not only about willpower, but about habits that have been reinforced over time. Scripture likewise speaks about the way desires can grow into patterns of sin: “Each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin” (James 1:14–15).

• When you notice the temptation or urge, what usually triggered it?

• What emotions or situations tend to precede it (stress, loneliness, late nights, phone use, etc.)?

• What does the cycle look like from the moment the urge begins to the moment the behavior ends?

• Where might you interrupt that cycle with accountability, boundaries, or a different response?

Confession and Accountability

Confessing our sins is essential to our faith and a vital step toward repentance. “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). While we often feel immense relief when we confess our sins, lasting change rarely happens through confession alone. Real repentance and lasting change require intentional steps and support from others. Sexual sin thrives in secrecy, but it loses power when it is brought into the light and addressed with practical boundaries. This might include things like accountability with another believer, removing access points that make temptation easy, or inviting someone to regularly ask honest questions about how things are going. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). In some cases, wisdom and pastoral guidance are needed regarding how and when to disclose struggles, particularly within marriage. Seeking counsel from a pastor or counselor can help determine the healthiest path forward.

• What would a meaningful first step toward change look like for you this week?

• Who is a trusted person you could invite into this struggle?

• What practical, realistic boundaries might make it harder to fall into the same patterns again?

• How often are you going to check in with your support group?

Seeking Deeper Help

Sometimes the struggle with sexual sin runs deeper than what a small group alone can address. In those cases, seeking additional help is not a sign of failure but a wise step toward healing. God often uses pastors, psychologists, counselors, and structured recovery groups as instruments of restoration. “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). If someone finds that the sexually immoral behavior is compulsive, keeps returning despite sincere efforts to stop, or has begun affecting relationships, marriage, or spiritual life, it may be time to bring in additional support.

• If you have been fighting this battle mostly on your own, what would it look like to invite more help into the process?

• Who in the church or Christian community could walk alongside you in a deeper way?

• Have you ever addressed this with a counselor, therapist, or mental health professional; if so, how did it go?

• Have you ever used online support groups, like xxxchurch.com/puredesire.org or Celebrate Recovery/Sexaholics Anonymous?