How to love weird holiday family gatherings

Adam Richardson
Nov 16
5 min read

Updated: Nov 24

THE CHALLENGE AND OPPORTUNITY OF FAMILY

I know. It’s been a heckuva year. And now - holidays. And family. Do I reeeeeeeallllllly want to be a part of —- that? What if someone says “shutdown” or “Democrats” or “Trump”?!? Why join the weird, the edgy, the grumpy, the _______ (don’t get me started…). Should we just dip and hang out at home?

If you’re hesitant about extended family gatherings - you’re not alone. Many are rethinking the value of the sacrifices it takes to drive or fly or even cook or clean for increasingly awkward interactions due to shifting generational values on politics, the economy, religion and even family itself. Whether you’re younger (“Grandma needs to stop yelling at our kids!”) or older (“I can’t believe they put up with that disrespect!”) - fact is - we need each other still. So how can can we gather with people - and still love it?

GET A GAMEPLAN

Imagine a top-10 football coach getting invited to the College Football Playoff and reponding, "Thanks but it's too much work - it's easier to cancel and watch it at home, so no thanks!" UNTHINKABLE! Yes it's hard. Yes it's easier to cancel. AND YES - they make a gameplan to help them succeed. Just like every business meeting and in every area of life - we plan. Why would family be different?

Everybody needs a family gameplan. So here's a guide to a family to succeed at managing the chaos of family while deepening family roots and bonds.

PRE-GAME

Pray for all involved - really. Take it to God and ask to see and feel family and these struggles like He does. Remember both sides - put yourself in their shoes and remember they love you, even if it feels well-masked. Talk to your spouse about your frustrations with the older/younger generation. Consider together what it would look like to love them in word and deed (NOT INSTRUCT OR CHANGE). If there are any offenses built up over time, call and apologize for your part - even if it’s 98% their fault and only 2% your fault, own your 2% without grudging or nudging! Stack the deck - if needed, and be proactive about creating clear and positive expectations, and call with a “sandwich” request (pos/neg/pos):

Hey mom/dad or son/daughter - Really looking forward to see you all at Thanksgiving. We love you, and want to focus on building up our relationship. Our family memories are invaluable and we have more stories to share and memories to make!
And to help us do that, this year, could I request we not talk/ask about x, y, z? And if it comes up could we gently redirect the conversation?
That would mean a lot to us and really help us to enjoy the event and focus on what unites us as a family. To do this, we were thinking about telling some classic family stories, playing games (we can bring one), and taking a walk together - how does that sound?

Prepare conversation starters geared to individual people - especially for the wildest and weirdest (so you aren’t awkwardly fumbling in the moment to think of something to say)!

One exception to this - beyond the crazy and yada yada, there may be real and necessary boundaries to set: “Dad - we would like to come to Thanksgiving at your place, but we can only come if you will not drink, because under the influence your words and actions become increasingly erratic and agressive, and we feel disoriented and afraid. I’m not telling you what you should do - I’m simply saying this is a boundary for our family, and we will plan accordingly. Is this a request you will honor?” This is not controlling or manipulating; rather it is good leadership.

GAMETIME

Don’t go in hoping to survive impact. Raise the bar! Go in expecting to renew family bonds through listening and empathy. Model the art of good listening by letting others “empty the bucket” (as Simon Sinek taught us) with encouragements like “go on…” “tell me more about…” and “how did that impact you?” Give the gift of seeing others (doesn’t everyone feel invisible at times?). Attention is the new currency; spend wildly on the person in front of you.

Don’t kick the tar baby if you get poked by Grumpy! Be prepared to de-escalate with disarming responses like, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry about that.” or “I can tell you’re really frustrated.” Humor lightens the load - remember that tense moment when your dad made everybody laugh, and for a moment all was right with the world? Don’t try to solve others’ problems - quickly offered solutions will feel demeaning. Avoid open-ended questions, like “How’s the year been?” You’ll likely get an earful since - universal psychological fact - people naturally lean toward the negative.

Rather, ask positively rigged questions, like, “What’s the last best movie you saw? Or book you read? What’s the best place you visited most recently?” Sports questions for men, like “So - NIL payments - good or bad and why?” Do you follow the NBA?” “What’s your pick this year for CF Champion?” Specific questions better - rather than the super-generic "What are you thankful for," frame it more specifically: "What person, event or even difficulty in the past year are you especially thankful for?" Notice something and ask about it, like “Your grass is green in November. How do you do that?” “These fridge magnets are hilarious - where did you find them?”

Land conversations clearly, gracefully, and on time “Hey it’s great catching up. I’m gonna check with mom and see if they need anything from the store.” “Hey thanks for telling me about x. I’m gonna grab some more coffee / check in with my spouse / throw a ball with the kids / etc… Thanks again.” Look them in the eyes. Smile! Hug. Serve. Tidy. Leave well!

POSTGAME

Text or call back to thank them. Genuinely. Specifically. While general compliments bless, specific compliments impact. “Thank you so much for coming over - I especially appreciated your mentioning my teen’s attentiveness to the little cousins; it did my parent’s heart good to hear it!”

RECRUITING

If this sounds like a lot of work and too costly, try the cost of isolation and relational disintegration. If you’re the one pulling back - could we be taking ourselves too seriously? What if all the colorful individuals in your family are what make it interesting? Thank heaven there’s a normal, sane person like you to ~~judge~~ assess. If your self-acceptance is strong, share the love with others!

The strange reality is that love is hard work, especially with the ones we know best and love most. And it’s also the most rewarding. As Christians, we are not just invited - we are called by Christ Himself not only to love our family and friends, but also our enemies (can feel like the same crowd). Don’t give up easily; play the long game! If you’d like to see peace on earth - make some.

They say you should get married with your eyes wide open, then after that, half shut.

With family probably three quarters shut.

There’s enough drama, fear and general yuck in the world.

You bring the peace, joy and love.

Make them think: They are not normal - they are delightful.

00:00

One day the clock will run out. And there will be no more time on the field.

It will be too late to try.

Reflect. Plan. Prepare.

Call the play. Run it.

Play the long game.

And walk off the field one day - banged up - and triumphant.